The Colleague Everyone Admires and You Cannot Stand
There is often a specific experience that prompts someone to start researching narcissism at work. A manager who is brilliant in meetings and corrosive in private. A colleague who takes credit for shared work while publicly praising the team. A senior leader who is magnetic, visionary and utterly unaccountable for the damage they cause.
Narcissistic personality traits exist on a spectrum and are not uncommon in professional settings. Research has consistently found that narcissistic traits are over-represented in leadership positions, partly because the Confidence, charm and strategic self-promotion associated with narcissism can look, in the short term, like leadership ability. The problem tends to emerge over time.
This article describes observable behavioural patterns. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis requiring professional assessment — the patterns described here relate to narcissistic traits rather than a formal diagnosis.
What Narcissistic Behaviour at Work Actually Looks Like
The charm and the private reality
One of the most disorienting features of working with someone with significant narcissistic traits is the gap between their public and private presentation. In meetings, particularly with senior people, they are engaging and apparently collaborative. In private — in one-to-ones, in the dynamics of the team — something different operates: dismissiveness, contempt and a clear hierarchy in which their needs take precedence. This gap is what makes the behaviour so difficult to report. The person describing it sounds unreasonable, because the version the organisation sees does not match the version the team experiences.
Credit and blame asymmetry
Credit flows upward to the narcissistic individual regardless of who did the work. Blame flows outward to team members regardless of whose decision produced the failure. Over time, the pattern produces a team whose contributions are systematically attributed to the leader and whose mistakes are publicly owned.
Exploitation of usefulness
People with significant narcissistic traits categorise others in terms of what they can provide. While you are useful, you may be well-treated and praised. The moment your usefulness diminishes, or you raise a concern, or you achieve something that overshadows them, the dynamic shifts.
The need for constant admiration
A consistent need for validation and acknowledgement from the team, leadership and clients. This manifests in meetings that reliably return to the individual's achievements and in disproportionate displeasure when credit is not given.
Reactions to challenge
People with significant narcissistic traits respond to challenge with disproportionate reactions: withdrawal, contempt, retaliatory behaviour or a campaign of undermining. The response is a defence of the self-image rather than engagement with the content of the criticism.
Two Recognisable Work Scenarios
The narcissistic manager
Tom's manager is well-regarded by the leadership team. Tom's experience: his ideas are regularly adopted without attribution. When he raises concerns he is told he is being negative. He has watched two capable colleagues leave the team. He is beginning to doubt his own competence in ways he did not before joining this team. The self-doubt is not a reflection of his ability. It is a reflection of eighteen months of systematic undermining.
The narcissistic peer
Anna works alongside someone charming, apparently collaborative and privately competitive. Emails go unreturned when the project is going well. Information is withheld at critical moments. In post-project reviews, her contributions are absorbed into her colleague's narrative. Nobody else seems to see it. She is starting to wonder whether she is paranoid. She is not.
The Impact on Self-Esteem and Confidence
Working with someone with significant narcissistic traits over an extended period produces predictable effects. Confidence in your own judgement erodes. Self-esteem drops. Anxiety increases. These effects can persist after the working relationship ends — people who have worked for a narcissistic individual often find that patterns of self-doubt follow them into their next role.
Three Reflection Questions
- Is there a gap between how a particular colleague presents to the organisation and how they behave with you in private?
- Has your Confidence in your own judgement changed since working with this person?
- Have others in your team experienced similar things, even if they have not named them the same way?
Key Takeaways
- Narcissistic traits are over-represented in leadership positions and can be difficult to identify until significant damage has occurred.
- The gap between public charm and private behaviour is one of the most consistent and disorienting features.
- Credit flows to them; blame flows outward. Usefulness determines how you are treated.
- The impact on Confidence and professional identity is real and can persist beyond the working relationship.
- Recognising the pattern is the first step to protecting yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do if I think my manager has narcissistic traits?
Document your work carefully. Maintain your external professional network. Be cautious about what you share about your plans. Practical strategies are covered in detail in the 15 October post.
Can I report this to HR?
In some cases, yes — particularly if the behaviour crosses into harassment or discrimination as defined in employment law. HR will typically require specific documented incidents rather than a general description of a pattern.
Is it possible to have a productive working relationship with someone narcissistic?
Yes, with appropriate strategies. The key is understanding the dynamic clearly and not expecting it to function like a normal professional relationship. The 15 October post covers this practically.
What if I am the only person who sees it?
This is common. Narcissistic behaviour is often specifically directed at people close enough to challenge or threaten, while the organisation sees the public presentation.
Can therapy help with the professional impact?
Yes. The self-doubt and Anxiety produced by these dynamics respond well to therapeutic and coaching support — both in understanding what happened and rebuilding professional Confidence.
Name the Pattern. Protect Your Confidence.
The Confidence you have lost is not evidence that you were not good enough. It is evidence of how long the dynamic has been running.
Simon Taylor works with people navigating toxic workplace dynamics — understanding what is happening, protecting their Confidence and planning their next move. A free 30-minute consultation is a practical starting point.
Book Your Free 30-Minute Consultation | Get The Little Book of Big Changes
