Co-Parenting With a Difficult Ex: How to Protect Yourself and Your Children
📅 Publish: 21 October 2025
Why This Is So Hard
When you leave a controlling or narcissistic relationship, the relationship does not end if you have children together. It transforms into a different kind of ongoing dynamic — one in which the other person retains legitimate access to your life through the shared responsibility of parenting, and in which the patterns that characterised the relationship often continue through the co-parenting arrangement.
This is one of the more genuinely difficult situations described in this series. The strategies that work in other contexts — minimal contact, grey rock, exit — are not fully available when you share children with someone. What is available is a set of approaches specifically designed for this situation, focused on protecting your children's wellbeing and your own functioning without escalation and without ongoing conflict.
The Goal: Your Children's Wellbeing First
The organising principle of co-parenting with a difficult ex is the children's wellbeing. Not winning the co-parenting dynamic. Not being vindicated. Not ensuring the other person is held accountable for their behaviour. The children's wellbeing.
This matters because it provides a clear criterion for decisions that might otherwise be driven by the emotional intensity of the ongoing relationship. When the other person does something that feels unfair or provocative, the question is not 'what response do they deserve?' It is 'what response is in the children's best interest?' These are not always the same answer, and when they are not, the children's interest takes precedence.
Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting is an approach developed specifically for co-parenting in high-conflict situations. Unlike cooperative co-parenting — which requires genuine goodwill and communication between the parties — parallel parenting minimises direct contact between the parents, allows each parent to parent independently in their own time, and reduces the opportunities for conflict by reducing the occasions for interaction.
The principles of parallel parenting include: communication through written channels only; factual, brief, child-focused communication about logistics only; no discussion of the relationship history or the other person's parenting approach; handovers that are brief and, where necessary, conducted through a third party; and clear, legally documented agreements about everything that matters.
Written Communication Only
In co-parenting situations with a high-conflict ex, verbal communication provides opportunities for manipulation, denial and conflict that written communication does not. Every significant communication should be in writing — email or a dedicated co-parenting app (OurFamilyWizard and Talking Parents are specifically designed for this purpose). Written communication creates a record, cannot be misquoted and removes the opportunity for the other person to use your tone, emotion or ambiguity against you.
Keep all written communication: brief, factual, child-focused and devoid of emotional content. Business-like. If the other person attempts to engage you emotionally through co-parenting communication, do not respond to the emotional content. Respond only to the factual, child-related content, if any.
Protecting Your Children
Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations can be placed in an extremely difficult position — asked, explicitly or implicitly, to take sides, carry messages, provide information about the other parent, or manage the emotional needs of one or both parents. This is harmful regardless of which parent does it.
The protective behaviours are: never speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children; never ask the children to carry messages or convey information; never ask the children questions about the other parent's home, relationships or behaviour; allow the children to have a positive relationship with the other parent, however difficult that is to watch; and ensure that the children have access to consistent emotional support, whether from you, other trusted adults or professional support if needed.
Legal Structure as Protection
Clear, legally documented agreements about arrangements — custody schedules, holiday allocation, financial responsibilities, communication protocols — reduce the opportunities for the other person to use ambiguity or dispute as a mechanism for ongoing conflict and control. If agreements are not formally documented, consider doing so. If existing agreements are not being adhered to, legal advice is worth seeking.
Three Reflection Questions
What are the specific ongoing dynamics in your co-parenting situation that are most harmful to your children — and are any of them within your control to change?
How much of your co-parenting communication is currently verbal, and what would change if you moved it entirely to written channels?
Is there a specific co-parenting decision coming up where the children's best interest and your own emotional response are in tension — and how will you navigate that?
Key Takeaways
The organising principle is the children's wellbeing — not vindication, not accountability, not winning.
Parallel parenting minimises direct contact and reduces the opportunities for the existing dynamic to continue.
Written communication only creates a record and removes emotional manipulation opportunities.
Protect children from adult conflict — never speak negatively about the other parent in front of them or involve them in adult dynamics.
Legal documentation of agreements reduces the use of ambiguity as a control mechanism.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if the other parent is actively alienating the children from me?
Parental alienation — a pattern in which one parent systematically undermines the children's relationship with the other — is a serious concern and is taken seriously by family courts. Document specific incidents and seek legal advice.
What if the other parent breaches the custody arrangement?
Document the breach, attempt to resolve it through written communication, and if it cannot be resolved, seek legal advice. Courts can enforce custody agreements.
How do I manage my own emotions at handover?
Handovers are often the most emotionally charged moments. Keeping them brief, business-like and child-focused is protective. Having a support person available immediately after, if needed, is useful.
What if my children are telling me things about the other parent that concern me?
Listen, take it seriously and seek professional guidance — from a child therapist or solicitor depending on the nature of the concern. Do not use children as information sources and do not question them in ways that amplify the information they have shared.
Can I access support for the emotional impact of this situation?
Yes, and it is worth seeking. The sustained difficulty of co-parenting with a high-conflict ex is a significant ongoing stressor. Professional support — both for you and, if needed, for your children — is a legitimate and important resource.
Business-Like on the Outside. Properly Supported on the Inside.
You can conduct co-parenting interactions in a way that protects your children from adult conflict while also getting the support you need to manage the emotional reality of the situation. These two things are not in conflict. Both are important.
Simon Taylor works with people navigating high-conflict co-parenting situations and the emotional impact of ongoing contact with a difficult ex. A free 30-minute consultation is a good place to start.
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